


what a vulgar moon

by hapakitsune



Category: Social Network (2010)
Genre: Cock-Blocking, Jealousy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-24
Updated: 2012-03-24
Packaged: 2017-11-02 11:12:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/368351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hapakitsune/pseuds/hapakitsune
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>5 times Eduardo secretly sabotaged Mark's attempts at dating and the one time Mark knew. Originally at the prompt fest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	what a vulgar moon

**1.**

Mark meets Lisa at a corporate event where he's sulking at the back of the ballroom despite Chris's many, many warnings about mingling. He's hovering by the buffet, which is largely obscenely fancy hors d'oeuvres, and she comes up in a deep blue dress and says, "Wow, this is a pretentious spread."

Mark looks up, startled, and she grins. "It is, right?" she presses, nevertheless reaching out with one hand to pick up something Mark suspects is a quail egg. "Like, is this why each plate cost five grand?"

Despite himself, Mark snorts. Her smile grows wider and says, "I'm Lisa."

"Mark," Mark says, and then, before he forgets, he adds, "Maybe I can buy you a drink to numb the pain."

"It's an open bar," Lisa says. 

"Then I'll demand a drink for you," Mark says and Lisa laughs.

He ends the night with her number, which makes Sean punch Mark in the shoulder in excitement. "She was fucking _hot_ ," he says excitedly. "Definitely call her, Mark."

"I think I will," Mark says, smiling, which makes Dustin choke and then start laughing for some reason. 

Mark goes home and waits the appropriate amount of time before calling her. She agrees to go on a date with him, which immediately sends him into a panic. "Chris, how do you go on dates?" Mark asks at work.

Chris stares at him for a long moment, then turns silently and walks away. 

He does come back later, looking put-upon, and says, "Mark, you realize that giving you dating advice is a friend thing and not a work thing?"

"Yes?" says Mark, puzzled. "I'm asking you as a friend."

"Fine," Chris says. "First of all, take her somewhere nice and actually listen when she talks."

So Mark takes her to a nice restaurant in San Francisco and some paparazzi get a few shots of them, but it's still fun. 

And then Gawker publishes the photos and she stops returning his calls. 

"What is going on?" he demands of Dustin, who just shrugs, wide-eyed. "Call her," Mark says, holding out Dustin's cell phone. 

Dustin says, "Bro, I don't think she wants to talk to you," even though he immediately asks for her number. 

She picks up on the second ring and Mark hurriedly says, "Lisa, I'm sorry for whatever I did, can we just –"

"Mark, you should have told me you already had a partner!" she says angrily and she hangs up. 

Dustin and Mark stare at each other, and then Dustin says, in a voice that's quivering slightly, "You should go back to your desk."

Mark scowls and heads back. As he walks away, Dustin puts his head down on his arms and bursts into hysterical giggles.

 

**2.**

"But I don't understand," Mark is still saying three days later as they head out to some party thrown by an old Harvard friend (though of course Mark barely remembers him). "Why did she think I had a girlfriend?"

"She didn't say you had a girlfriend," Chris says, nonsensically, and he and Dustin share a knowing look. 

"Sean says I might have said something wrong on the date," Mark says irritably. "But she kissed me at the end of the night."

"We know," says Dustin casually. "That was on Gawker too." He slings an arm around Mark's shoulders. "It's probably for the best."

"How?" demands Mark grumpily. "I haven't had sex in _ages_."

"Maybe you'll meet someone tonight!" Dustin says brightly, a slightly manic note to his voice. Chris gives Dustin a look and Dustin blushes, looking embarrassed. "Um."

Mark frowns at both of them and goes inside to say hello to Trevor. Chris and Dustin are acting really weird, like they're Mark's body guards. They keep moving in front of him and Mark can't figure out why until they slip up and he catches sight of Eduardo across the room. 

"Oh," he says, woodenly, and he goes to get a drink, shrugging Dustin and Chris off. It isn't that he hasn't seen Eduardo – he has, on a couple of occasions – but seeing Eduardo _here_ is kind of an awful reminder of the fact that they used to be friends, that once Eduardo would have been trying to convince Mark to dance while Mark complained about the music.

Mark picks up a beer and slumps against the wall, trying not to look at Eduardo. As he's leaning there, a guy about his age comes up and says, "So you're the one who took the last Bud."

Mark looks down at the bottle in his hand and then back up. The guy smiles; he has a nice smile, Mark thinks. Eduardo'd had a nice smile too. 

"Do you, uh, want some?" Mark hazards. He briefly wishes that he had Chris to tell him what to say, and then pushes the thought away. 

"Yes, please," the guy says, holding out his hand. Mark passes it over and the guy tilts his head back to take a long pull. He has a long neck and rich, golden skin. His hair is cropped short to his skull, and he's wearing a white, collared shirt that is open at the neck. When he's finished drinking, he holds out the bottle again and says, "I'm Kareem."

"Mark," Mark says, taking his beer back. "Thanks for drinking all my beer, I definitely didn't want any."

Kareem snorts and slinks a little closer to Mark. "Sure. Anytime." He smirks. "I'll buy you a new one sometime."

"I got this one free," Mark says blankly. 

"It's the thought that counts," says Kareem, smile growing wider. "Don't you think?"

"Not at all," Mark interjects and then they have a fifteen minute argument about intentions versus actions. By the end of it, Mark somehow has Kareem's number and has agreed to get drinks with him sometime. 

Mark excuses himself to go to the bathroom and ends up having to wait while a drunk couple clearly and obviously has sex in the bathtub. By the time he gets out, he's thoroughly annoyed. He looks around for Kareem and spots him with Eduardo. Mark's stomach twists nervously and he kind of just lurks until Eduardo finishes and walks away. 

Mark hurries to Kareem and says, "Hi, what did he say to you?"

Kareem gives Mark a vaguely pitying look. "Oh, honey," he says, reaching out to pat his shoulder. "I didn't know. I wouldn't have flirted with you if I had."

"What?" Mark asks, utterly perplexed. 

"See you around," Kareem says, clapping Mark on the shoulder. He smiles wistfully and wanders off, leaving Mark feeling totally nonplussed. He looks around for Eduardo, determined to ask him what he'd said – demand, really – but Eduardo appears to have vanished. 

"Ugh," Mark groaned, and he stomped back over to the drinks.

 

**3.**

The weird thing is, Mark has managed to go for quite a few years without seeing Eduardo more than a couple of times every now and then. Now it seems like Eduardo is _everywhere_. He never says anything to Mark, but Mark catches him watching him a few times. 

"Is Eduardo staring at me?" he asks Dustin and Sean. Sean grins so widely at Mark that Mark is actually a little disturbed. "What?"

"Nothing," Sean says in a sing-song voice. "Awww, Mark." He pinches Mark's cheek. Mark bats his hand away, scowling. "So innocent."

"What are you talking about?" Mark asks grumpily. He looks at Dustin, who is laughing silently into his wineglass, and says, "How much has he been drinking?"

"You should just ask Eduardo," Dustin says, not answering the question, and gently nudges Mark in that direction. Mark frowns; he doesn't really want to suffer through an awkward conversation with Eduardo. 

Instead, Mark ends up deep in conversation with an attractive woman from Taiwan who has very strong opinions about Facebook's privacy settings. They talk for nearly half an hour, during which Mark catches Eduardo looking at them several times. Mark is on the verge of asking for her number when she smiles and gives him her business card, telling him to call her. 

Mark, feeling pleased, returns to his table where Dustin is shaking his head sadly and Sean is looking weirdly proud. Mark drinks a little more, then wonders if she's staying in the hotel and looks around for her. 

To his surprise and horror, he sees her talking to Eduardo, who is in full-on pick up mode. Mark recognizes it well – the angled hips, the sly smile, the lowered head. And she's leaning in towards him, smiling up at him, and then Eduardo _kisses her cheek_ like he's suave and not actually an awkward weather geek. Mark hates that. 

"I can't _believe_ him," he seethes, glaring across the ballroom. 

"Don't worry," Sean says casually, slinging an arm around Mark's shoulders. "I'm pretty sure she's not Eduardo's type." He winks. 

"What the fuck does that mean?" demands Mark, frustrated. Dustin completely gives up his pretense of coughing and just buries his face in his hands, hiccuping with hysterical giggles. 

Not surprisingly, Mark doesn't hear from the girl again and he doesn't bother calling.

 

**4.**

Mark can't stop himself from glaring at Eduardo the next time they cross paths. Eduardo doesn't even have the decency to look ashamed; instead he just nods politely at Mark and moves on past. 

Mark turns sharply on his heel and goes to look for someone else to talk to. He's just introduced himself to a guy named Paul when Eduardo suddenly appears as though he's apparated there. 

"Mark," he says, completely ignoring Paul. "I need to talk to you."

"Uh," Mark says, intelligently, because he hasn't spoken to Eduardo properly in years and suddenly he's just _here_. "I'm busy, Eduardo."

"Mark," Eduardo says firmly, and Paul says, "I think I'll just – go, then," and he leaves before Mark can get a word in edgewise. 

"What are you doing?" demands Mark, glaring up at Eduardo. "Why are you talking to me right now?"

"I wanted to –" Eduardo looks hunted for a moment. Then his expression clears up and he says, "I wanted to ask about Facebook."

It's such a blatant lie that Mark actually stares at him, completely speechless. Finally, he manages to say, " _Facebook_?" 

"I, um," Eduardo says, now looking slightly worried. "Yes?"

"Did you intentionally steal my date?" Mark demands. "Because I _know_ you saw us talking."

"What?" Eduardo asks unconvincingly. 

"You've never been a good liar," Mark says nastily. "Get your story straight, Eduardo. You're good at that."

Eduardo goes pink and snaps, "What does _that_ mean?"

"It means you're very good at interpreting reality," Mark says. "Goodbye." He stalks away, annoyed, leaving Eduardo stranded behind him.

 

**5.**

About a week after his confrontation with Eduardo, Mark finally manages to get a date for the first time in _months_. He meets Lee at Pizza My Heart, and Lee is attractive, intelligent, and also very male, which is the first thing Dustin notices when Lee comes by the offices to pick Mark up. 

"Oh!" says Dustin, sounding surprised. "You – oh, I just thought." He looks confused for a moment; then he smiles. "Okay."

Mark stares at him, then shakes his head and says, "Bye, Dustin."

Chris actually does a double-take, which is kind of hilarious, before shrugging and saying, "All right. Have fun."

Mark looks at him with narrowed eyes. Lee says, "Come on, Mark!" smiling hugely, and then he takes Mark out into the parking lot. 

They're halfway through their entrees when Eduardo shows up. He doesn't even have a date in tow, which is kind of glaringly obvious and out of place when it quickly becomes apparent that he is the only person in the restaurant without one. 

"Mark!" Eduardo says in such a false tone of surprise that Mark tightens his fingers around his fork involuntarily. "Fancy seeing you here. Who is this?"

"Hi," Lee says amiably, holding out his hand. "I'm Lee!"

"This is a nice place, isn't it?" asks Eduardo, sort of inanely as he shakes Lee's hand. "Weird place for a business meeting, though."

"This is a date," Mark say through gritted teeth. 

Eduardo's eyes widen and he says, " _Really_?" in a tone of such shock that Mark actually gets to his feet and grabs Eduardo by the arm. 

"We need to talk," Mark says firmly and he drags him towards the restrooms. He shoves him into the men's room and locks the door behind him. He turns and puts his hands in his pockets. "What are you doing?"

"I just came by," Eduardo lies. 

"No, Dustin or Chris called you and I want to know why. You've been trying to sabotage my dates for ages now. I bet you even called Lisa and told her I had a girlfriend already." Mark watches Eduardo's face go pale and knows he's right. " _Why_?"

"They don't – you can," Eduardo stutters, looking horrified and embarrassed. "You can, I mean, they don't deserve – I, um –"

" _Wardo_ ," Mark says in frustration, the nickname slipping out on accident. 

Eduardo stares at him for a moment; then his eyes drop a little lower and he licks his lips. In that instant, everything becomes clear to Mark. 

"What?" he demands. " _What_? Is that what this is about?"

"Shut up, Mark," Eduardo says, and he pushes Mark up the door and kisses him. Mark grabs Eduardo's wrists, but – doesn't push him away, even though every fiber of his being is telling him to. 

Eventually, they do make it out of the bathroom. Eduardo won't let go of his hand, which is a bit awkward when they get to the table where Lee is now sitting alone. 

"Lee," Mark says uncomfortably. Lee looks at their joined hands, then smiles and says, "I thought so," which just makes Mark feel even weirder about the whole thing.

"Good luck," Lee adds, getting up. "I told the waiter to bring a new menu for your friend."

"Oh," Mark says, and then adds belatedly, when Eduardo steps on his foot, "Sorry."

Lee just waves his hand and leaves cheerily, calling, "You still have to pay for my meal!" which is, well, fair.

 

**1.**

The annoying thing is, though, that everyone but Mark had clearly figured it out ages before. Sean just laughs hysterically, looking like he's about to start peeing himself with amusement. Chris and Dustin had clearly been in on it, so Mark doesn't even bother telling them that he's sort of dating Eduardo until they go as a couple to some event. 

To Mark's secret satisfaction, Chris actually drops his wineglass to the floor, where it shatters satisfyingly. He swears and immediately drops to his knees to clean it up, cheeks red with embarrassment. Dustin gapes in disbelief, then shakes his head. 

"Well, okay," he says, and he wanders off. 

Eduardo leaves Mark's side later on, which is when the same Paul from before finds him and says, "Hey, we didn't get to finish our conversation last time."

"Hi," says Mark. "No, we didn't." 

"So," Paul starts to say, but Eduardo is suddenly _right there_. Mark is beginning to suspect that he has some sort of spidey sense. 

"Sorry," Eduardo says, draping himself over Mark's shoulders. "He's taken."

"I, uh," Paul says, looking confused. 

"He's very jealous," Mark explains. 

"I am not!" Eduardo says, affronted, which is such a bald-faced lie that Mark actually snorts with laughter. 

"Yeah, of course not," he says, rolling his eyes. "Which is why you sabotaged all my attempts at meeting people. Because you're not jealous."

"Only when it comes to you," Eduardo says quietly, smiling. Mark rolls his eyes.


End file.
